How to Start Worrying Less

I used to worry about everything. I worried about little things and big things. In my mind, even the little things were big.

I remember standing in front of a mirror at five or six inspecting my face, worrying about how I looked, and being filled with anxiety about my freckles, the size of my nose, and the dark circles under my eyes. I worried about what would happen if I got booted from the Talented and Gifted Program. I worried about my friends rejecting me. I worried about how I sounded when I sang, or that how I looked meant I could never be a performer in movies, or plays, because my body, face, and voice were so flawed.

As I got older there was worry about not amounting to anything. In my teens, I worried I would never get to a city, and what people would think of me when I didn’t go to an Ivy League School. I worried about being harassed in class, and by whom it would be this time. I worried what would happen if I couldn't make it as a performer. I worried that I would be homeless, or an embarrassment. The list goes on.

A few years later they grew and encompassed the past. I was barely living in the present, and when I was, I was in a constant state of anxiety, rumination, and procrastination. My body was tense, frazzled, and buzzing always, while my mind was a paralyzed yarn-ball of disorganized worries and thoughts. I couldn’t seem to do anything about it.

I replayed conversations; what so and so was thinking about what I said, what I wore, and how that interaction would affect or ruin my life. I wasn’t present during conversations - especially at work. What I was focused on, was wanting to say the right thing, not sounding stupid, getting in trouble, or making a mistake. I wanted to minimize pain. 

Worrying takes a lot out of you and takes away from you. It stops you from enjoying life. It increases stress and causes you to miss what is really happening for you, and around you. It keeps you anxious, AND according to the latest research, worrying literally ages you! It decreases your speed and quality of decision-making, and keeps you from doing. But there is hope! The deeper I dug into my well-being, and worries through therapy, CBT, coaching, exercise, and teaching indoor cycling among other things, the less worried, and less anxious I became.

Here are a few ways for you to start worrying less, feeling calmer, and living better:

Worrying Has Benefits

Keep in mind that worrying does have positives! This is important to accept because the more you try to suppress or jump over them, and the more you judge yourself for them, the stronger and more unresolved they become. The more you accept them:

1) The easier it will be to understand what they’re communicating to you

2) The more empowered you are to take action

3) The better control you have over them

So what are they telling you? We worry because we care. We worry because there are problems in our lives to be solved, or areas of our lives to attend to. Worrying can help you plan for the future, or see the risks and rewards on your path. For me, at work, they were gold. I could see the best and worst case scenarios, the risks, benefits, costs, complexities, and dependencies of all tasks and processes 1-3 years out.  There was another dimension to worries, which meant I was really good at a number of things as a leader and operator. This was great when building a business but also took a huge toll on my well-being. So, it’s important to identify them, so you can eventually grasp where to draw the line.

Get Out of Your Head

The times I felt the most present were when I was singing, playing music, dancing, performing, rehearsing, or doing martial arts. I had no sense of time and no anxiety during those experiences. I was incapable of being anywhere else. So spend time doing things that get you out of your head, and not to suppress the worry, but rather to help you relax your nervous system. When you are in a consistent hyper-vigilant state, scanning for danger and what can go wrong always, it starts to become your “normal” state. Your body not only has no idea when really to help you, you feel shitty all the time. Getting out of your head may mean getting into your body, but it can also just be doing things you enjoy. Write. Cook. Paint. Bike. Think of this process as you developing a toolset that provides rest, and calmness, and allows you to be more present more often. The more you train your mind to rest, the less worried you eventually become.

There Are Right Ways to Worry

After a certain amount of time worry becomes unhelpful and leads to rumination and to more anxiety. There are also appropriate times and places to worry, and there’s an appropriate value to the various things you worry about. I say this without judgment and as someone who did it all the time. When we worry, we tend to get more anxious, and make things grandiose. We also tend to take one worry, and spin it, and spiral into many. Sometimes what you’re worrying about is disproportionate to the consequences and costs you imagine. You have limited capacity, so time box, or designate specific time to consciously worry. Gently nudge yourself back to whatever it is you’re doing if you feel yourself worrying outside of that time. Also, ask yourself if the amount of time and energy you’re giving to that thing is commensurate with what’s really on the line. Like for me yesterday: did part of my Halloween costume not arriving really warrant all the worry energy I was giving it? No.

Organize Them, So You Can Take Action

Most of what we worry about is out of our control, or are things we can’t predict. They also tend to be these huge, overwhelming or nebulous worries. “Will I every be happy?”, or “Is choosing ______ role at ________ going to be right decision for my entire career?”. I used to have so much worry, it was impossible to get a handle on what I was even worried about. So, write down all your concerns specific to that one, very specific worry, then organize all the sub-worries (or questions/concerns) into what is vs. what’s not within your control. A coach is helpful for this process because we’re often in an escalated/anxious or biased state when we’re doing it, and because there are a number of different ways to tackle the “outside of my control” list. But, once you start to break them down, and organize, you can start to decide what is worth taking action on, when, and how! This is very empowering and brings a lot more organization to your thoughts, and calmness to your body.

Play Out the Worst Case Scenarios

I love this process because, through it, we often realize that our worst fears are far worse than reality, or they again, lead us to actions! One story I tend to go to is that I will be homeless/penniless if _________ doesn’t work out perfectly. So to challenge your thinking, map out your worst-case scenarios on paper. Honestly assess how likely they are to occur, and what you’d do if they did. Ask someone you trust (ideally someone who can be objective) how accurate that list looks. This will leave you more prepared, and in a place of better understanding of what the root causes/fears creating these worries are.

Are you ready to start worrying less? Click the link below to setup your free discovery call to learn how I can help!