Signs You’re Not Really Living

After the birth of my daughter Mia, a lot changed for me. I returned from maternity leave confused, but I rushed back to work, jumping right into SXSW to moderate a panel. I remember thinking to myself, “I have this amazing team and business I built, I have a husband, I live in Brooklyn - the place I always wanted to be, I have a lot of money, and  I have a great group of friends….so why do I feel so unhappy? Why do I feel such tension and such stress day-to-day when everything is as it ‘should be’?".

A complex question to answer, but in a nutshell, I was kind of dead inside. I was existing, but certainly not living an authentic life of my own.

There wasn’t a silver bullet that turned things around for me, though there was a collection of experiences, changes, and people that together served as the catalyst for me to self-reflect, and explore. This soul-searching started with quitting my job, taking a couple of months off to grieve leaving NYC, then moving across the country for my then partner’s new job. I had this notion I wasn’t myself, and also that I wasn’t sure who that self really was. Spoiler: there were many realizations about my values, my creativity, my gender, and my sexual identities (among other things) that I’d suppressed.

Your soul is your essence; where many elements come together to form a unique identity, and a sentiment inside that leaves us feeling authentic and grounded. It emanates in the external world for others to experience. Souls glow from the inside out, and we are drawn to them. Someone with a soul on fire is obvious. They are very alive.

When we’re going through the motions; when our soul isn’t on fire, we feel empty, stressed, anxious, sad, and sometimes just flat. There are many signs that can serve as a wake-up call, and it’s never too late to start. Here are a few of them that indicate you may just be existing, and not really living. 

You Dislike People Who Are Loud and Proud

You may be uneasy being around, or stay away from people comfortable as they are - though you may not see them, or your response to them that way. These are people who may have “strong” personalities, people you think are “too much”, or see as overly confident, with audacity. You may be annoyed and judgmental of them. I certainly was very often, because they were something I really wanted, or had an essence I longed for, yet didn't understand. I was jealous! If you have to engage with them, you likely keep conversations superficial, and surface level because if you went deeper, they’d be onto you. They might highlight what needs to change in you, or might see the real you underneath the facade. If you’re annoyed at someone’s being, or zest for living…if you’re angry, judgmental, resentful and think things like “who does ____ think they are for saying/doing _______?”, you’re onto something. That’s actually a good thing, because they are highlighting something worth addressing in you.

You’re on Auto-Pilot, Apathetically Doing

You may have been doing the same thing or a similar iteration of a thing for a long time. When you’re doing the same repetitive activities, you can avoid feeling, slowing down, and exploring. You can also master that process, and avoid doing uncomfortable things that push you to grow, learn, and change. If you keep moving, you can avoid asking yourself hard questions. If you slowed down, you’d have to think about your choices, reevaluate, and perhaps make those changes. Throwing yourself 110% into work so you don’t have to think about anything else, and can focus on others is something I did. You probably feel flat, are tuned out, and make little or no effort to change things. You might be sitting next to your partner, both of you on your phones scrolling not talking to one another. While nothing is quite wrong with this activity, it’s definitely not right either. Doing something new, something different, and breaking out of your comfort zone will help disrupt the apathy, and bring new life to your soul, as scary or uncomfortable as it may be at first.

You Consume A Lot, as a Coping Mechanism

Let’s put addictive behavior aside. What I’m describing is an over-reliance on shopping, food, drinking, sex, or consuming drugs as a means of short-term “happiness”, or to numb things out. When you’re doing them, it’s not as a complement to your life, nor occasional, or experiential - rather, it’s a coping mechanism for this unsettling feeling that you and your life as just “off”, or dull. You may be trying to fill a void, or feel something…ANYTHING good, or unique, even if it’s short-lived. They give you a quick boost of confidence, or a zap of energy. When things weren’t going well in my life, or I had things that were very unsettled (e.g. sadness about my performing arts career), there’d be this pull to do those things for short-term relief. I’d do anything to escape this weird feeling my life was meh, and that I was destined for nothingness. Reducing the consumption, and doing self-work like coaching, therapy, or even starting by asking yourself questions - like why you’re taking these actions, and what you’re avoiding, are great ways to start living a more authentic, soulful life. 

You’re Unsure of Your Interests and Passions

When our identity is as a parent, as an overachiever, or our work, we start to lose sight of what makes us tick. Some of us may not even know what makes us tick because we’ve been so focused on what society deems ok, what others need, and want from us all our lives! You achieve and still feel sucky, because you’re doing what you’re supposed to do, versus working on understanding what you enjoy. When we accomplish goals tied to nothing in particular (other than societal/cultural/generational expectations of us), of course we feel empty. Same is true when we focus on everyone else’s needs. When your life has been dedicated to pleasing others, or doing/living for others, of course, you won’t build that essence! Start to turn away from what you should do and feel, and more towards yourself, saying “I’m curious about exploring _______ in myself!”. Then things will start to shift.

Are you ready to really start living? Click the link below to setup your free discovery call to learn how I can help!