5 Ways Your Ego is Wrecking Your Happiness

My ego has gotten the best of me many times. It’s gotten in the way of my happiness. I’ve missed opportunities because of my ego, and ego has hurt my mental health. My ego “moments” accumulated over time, and together became damaging to my well-being, and hurt others around me. 

Ego is our sense of self and identity; it’s our conscious mind. But ego can also become an inflated sense of pride, and often it’s a defense mechanism that gets in the way of our betterment. 

Ego is clinging too hard to who we believe we are, and what we can do. Ego is an over-compensation for low self-worth. When we hold onto our ego too tightly, we compromise all facets of our well-being. It leads to ruptures in relationships, poor physical and mental health, low-confidence, and frankly - gets in the way of living our best lives.

If we want more connection, if we want more from ourselves, and our lives, we need to address our ego. The more you work on your emotional well-being, the more you start to let go of your ego. Then, your well-being across all facets of your life start to improve, and you start to really live!

We all have egos, and sometimes they’ve served as protection, and sometimes they’re out of control. This is just a part of being human. Here are some signs your ego is showing up too much, and preventing you from being your best self:

You surround yourself with “yes” people

We see a lot of this from people in positions of power and in the media. Day to day, this manifests in the friend circle you’re in. I see this often in leadership teams, and there are also specific industries this runs rampant in. When your ego’s unchecked, you find yourself hanging out with, hiring, or promoting people that praise you, agree with you, and look like you. You avoid people who disagree or have strong opinions. You may not even realize it’s your ego in real-time, but what you do know is that they rub you the wrong way, or their “energy is off”. “Yes People” keep you in a loop of confirmation bias and prevent you from making sound decisions because you’re not accepting other POVs. “Yes People” prevent you from facing insecurities and blind spots. This prevents you from developing yourself, and particularly your resilience (vital to weather downs of life), because there is nothing to bounce back from when you’re unaccustomed to disagreement - which feels like confrontation, and creates anxiety since now, you have a low tolerance for any.

You Stay In One Place, One Story

I was so afraid of being judged and embarrassed of who I really was, that I took and stayed in roles, in places, in relationships I didn’t really want, but that inflated me, and appeared impressive. You may find yourself in the same job, in the same city forever. One reason might be that you like it, and it’s comfortable, sure. But ask yourself what drives that comfort, and what drives your liking? Is it stability and comfort, or is it because you’re in a position of superiority, of mastery, or of being “yes”d often? Being in one place, in one story keeps you stuck exactly where you are, attached to the same identity that led you there. It perpetuates the same story of “who you are.” You like being the person people go to. You like being an authority in your life, and in your community, but really, you may be afraid of branching out to a new place, a new chapter, and being a beginner. It's the fear of not knowing “how to”, what to do, and not being an expert, vs. having the confidence that you can and will learn new things, and can reinvent yourself. 

You’re Uncomfortable Around People

Notice if there are groups of people/environments that make you feel tense, embarrassed, or uncomfortable even when you’re living your truth, values, purpose, and standing in your confidence. Then notice what happens when you’re not around them. I had to admit to myself (if I wanted more fulfillment and to work with impact and passion), was that so much of my career and life choices were based on ego, which really was low self-esteem. I was afraid to tell people I was coaching. I cringed when I did, because I was embarrassed to tell highly successful people in my circles, I wasn’t working in tech anymore; I was working with people. I made a lot of assumptions about their reactions (which were positive, BTW) which created more stress. I was ashamed in conversations with founders and executives because I have less money, and fewer material things (ahem…I live in Silicon Valley), in spite of my lifestyle being a very conscious choice (after having all the things they did). In conversations, I’ve wanted to lie, or run away. Take the people, and assumptions off the table figuratively, and be more relaxed and less apt to miss out on good conversations, people, and what in your life really lights me up.

You rarely seek expertise or help

This was one of the hardest lessons to learn. I suffered needlessly during natural disasters, and when I was feeling depressed and in need, because I didn’t want to be seen as weak, or flawed. This was ego. I didn’t ask for help at work and wasted resources and time. My body raced with anxiety and thoughts about how incompetent I was, how in trouble I was, and how getting expertise would let everyone know just how unqualified I was. Now, getting expert help is all I do :).  I’ve had partners who refused to go to therapy together, for example. In this day and age where self-knowledge and mental health is front and center, I’m amazed at how many high achieving executives, leaders, coaches, and trainers don’t have their own trainers, mentors, and coaches! When we don’t seek experts or help, we develop an intolerance to hearing no, asking for, and taking important feedback. We don’t develop vital tools to improve our well-being and lives. We waste precious energy, and we needlessly suffer. We make poor decisions. We stunt our growth, and we never build the new skills or greater self-confidence we can, if we have that all-star team supporting us.

You rarely say sorry or take accountability

I’ve wanted to win arguments so badly that rather than solve the problem or repair the relationship with the person I loved, I refused to take responsibility. At my core, I was afraid to face all the work to do on myself, so I would do anything to deflect away from me. There were times I felt my pride kick-in in the heat of the moment, saw the other person in pain, and still did nothing about it. This led to regret and beating myself up over how I’d handled it, which further damaged my self-esteem and hurt my relationships over and over. In contrast, the best conversations and relationships I’ve had are the ones where there was something really hard for me to say and apologize for. Taking responsibility is so empowering. It allows you to make progress and take action. It also builds trust with those you care about, and those you lead. Failing to apologize or take responsibility for your mistakes erodes trust, and harms your relationships. When you’re fixated on winning, and in a position of always being right, where’s the growth in that? 

Are you ready to work on your ego in order to build happiness? Click the link below to setup your free discovery call to learn how I can help!