Why Improving Your Life is F’ing Hard
My intro to therapy and self-improvement didn’t start until I was 25 years old and suffering intensely. I had crippling anxiety and panic attacks, I was depressed, had chronic stomach issues, and worst of all - I didn’t understand that any change was possible.
Well, I got help, and have been changing and improving over the past (nearly) 20 years. It was a long road (WORTH IT). Today, a conscious focus on self-improvement and growth is so ingrained in me it can’t be taken away. It’s intrinsic. It’s auto-pilot. It’s a value. It’s what I seek in friendships, work, and relationships; in all facets of my life because I have seen, and lived the wild transformation that can happen.
But improving my life was sooooo hard! I wish I’d understood the barriers to improvement, so that I could’ve gotten the support I needed to do it sooner, and do it better. Once you know the obstacles, you’re in a great position to make them happen, and to be patient with yourself in your journey to better well-being, and happiness in your life!
Here are 5 things that make self-improvement hard:
Inaccessibility
I want to acknowledge that good mental health care and self-improvement are expensive and inaccessible to many. I have mixed feelings about all the buzz about therapy and coaching. On the one hand, yay…we’re discussing it and it’s available! On the other hand, therapy, and coaching is a privilege for people with $$$. As I continue to build my business, I struggle with guilt in not offering coaching that’s more accessible for underserved individuals, even though I’m confident in the value and results I deliver, and that making it more accessible is the longer-term goal. Pre-COVID, it was hard to nail down a therapist, but now, because of the increased demand of mental health needs, it’s more difficult to access therapy for consistent, long-term support even when you can afford it. If you’re lucky, you work for an organization that provides health insurance, or that covers coaching sessions. Sadly, the more affordable, and accessible coaching/therapy platforms make it affordable to the consumer by paying their practitioners under market rates, which means the quality of coaches and therapists + your experience as the consumer, is lower than the norm (highly experienced/high-quality coaches/therapists are on them for limited times, if at all). Coaching can be more accessible than therapy, and there are lower-cost/higher-quality coaches and therapists out there if you know how to search.
There isn’t a formula for improvement
Self-improvement and growth are non-linear, complex, and take a long time which can be frustrating when all you want is to be better and feel better! It can be especially annoying for high performers, perfectionists, highly accomplished people, and people in very technically oriented roles who are used to doing great work, great things, and solving problems after following a prescribed series of steps that others have followed. While there are many different evidence-based methods that help you improve, you are unique and come with your own experiences, backgrounds, and circumstances, so the road to improvement is variable and complex. You see a lot of coaches selling confidence, or trauma healing in these 6 week programs, and simply put, that’s marketing; it’s just impossible. There isn't a set of steps you complete and ta-day, you’ve changed and grown. What we see often as coaches, are people quitting at the 3 month mark just AS things are getting uncomfortable; when we’re getting to the real heart of the work! The thing is, if you fully commit to the long haul - in particular with someone you have great rapport and trust with, you’re going to improve faster than going it alone, or if piecemealing it. And the better that practitioner gets to know you, and you get to know them, the more efficient and effective the growth.
You’re barely staying afloat
Part of this is the lack of accessibility, but also If your basic needs aren’t met, how can you possibly focus on growth? You can’t when you’re barely surviving. Add the stressors of the world we live in on top of the ones in your day-to-day life. It can feel like you’re drowning in life’s downs. Sometimes we have the financial means, but we don’t think we have the time, because we’re just so in the weeds about what we’re managing day to day. When we’re so focused on doing, it’s impossible to step back and understand what we need to improve our lives, and we don’t recognize that carving out a different kind of time, IS the remedy. It can feel like coaching is adding more to-dos that overwhelm, when the reality is it immediately reduces your stress and helps you manage your life. What got me through divorce + COVID + home displacement + California natural disaster (and more) at the same time was my coach, my therapist. Whether it’s single parenting, chronic illness, loss of a loved one, or a combo, the additional support helps you make sense of it, and make it through.
You’re not burned out…yet
To the above point, sometimes we’re so in our daily stressors, we can’t yet feel the costs of keeping things the way they are. Sometimes we’re so in our over-performance, that we are unaware of the costs of not making a change. Other times, the consequences just aren’t scary enough to seek help. When you’re in survival mode, you’re focused on surviving. You don’t have the space to feel the effects of the stress. You’re moving too fast to care, too fast to notice. By the time I realized I was burned out at one exec role, it was too late, and I bolted. Had I noticed sooner, I probably would have made better work decisions for myself, and better and healthier life choices. When I was chugging along working 12-hour days, not exercising, barely eating, and barely socializing, I was convinced I was fine. Was I? No. I just didn’t stop long enough to ask myself what I was experiencing, and what I needed. I just executed and pushed all the issues to the side until I couldn’t any longer (and my mental health and body decided for me). What are people in your life commenting on, and noticing about you? Maybe you’re not burned out yet, but I bet there are things people closest to you observe and feel that are clues you’re on the way, if not already on the road to fallout.
You don’t know where to start
You may just feel shitty and not have any idea where to look, or who to turn to! Maybe you’re embarrassed, or afraid and that keeps you from taking that first step. You may not come from a culture that embraces mental health and self-development work, or maybe you came from a family where no one talks about anxiety, the overwhelm, the pressures, or life’s challenges at all. You may not know the causes or effects of how you’re operating day to day. Also, because the world is so self and mental health focused these days, there’s an overabundance of “self-help” available, which makes it hard to sift through the noise, and know where to go that’s both ethical, and meets your needs. The good news is you’re smart, and you’re resourceful. If you have the curiosity, and the desire to improve your life, you’re already off to a great start. Just take one more!
Are you ready to navigate these hardships and improve your life? Click the link below to setup your free discovery call to learn how I can help!