Managing Impossible Beauty Standards

I started to like myself in my 30s, and love myself in my 40s (mostly, not without off moments or days). Before then I hated how I looked, and I hated my body. 

From a very young age through my early 30s, my main objectives were to cover or change my flawed face and body, or punish them into change because I couldn't stand them as they were. 

The messages I heard and internalized then became my own. I’d say to myself that my legs were the wrong shape, I was too skinny, my dark circles were hideous, I’m too pale, too flat-chested, your stomach was flabby… blah blah… lots of noise. The messages from strangers, on TV, via the people I dated, in magazines, and at work, all fed the story I was telling myself.

I turned to crash dieting, exercise, and buying lots of clothes and makeup to fix it all, hoping that if others wanted me, I would grow to like myself. Going out for social events or getting dressed for work was stressful, and created a lot of anxiety. I was motivated to work on my appearance, and body out of fear, possible humiliation, and because I thought I wasn't worth much if I didn’t.  

But when my body shut down with severe and chronic stomach issues and panic attacks, I worked on my mental health, and as I worked on my mental health, my attitude towards myself shifted. As my attitude slowly shifted, the things I used to do out of fear and self-hatred like exercise…I grew to love which in turn improved my mental health and forever changed how I viewed myself, and my body.

I am not here to tell you that you have to love your appearance, or body, and if you don’t you’re somehow inadequate. I mostly love mine, but I have bad days and moments like everyone else. What I am here to tell you, is that even a slight shift in attitude towards your body will improve your emotional well-being and mental health, and eventually you will like yourself. You can make that shift. Here are a few ways to work at it: 

Acknowledge beauty/body standards change, and are imposed

Years ago, someone commented on my paleness and how I should be careful to maintain it (the racial implications were lost on me at the time). Another time I was excited to join CrossFit to get bigger and stronger but was discouraged by someone close to me. I remember feeling judged, and also very angry. For every person with one opinion and worldview, there is another. Look at art over the years. Look at old shows, old videos, or old posts even from a few years ago. Beauty and body standards change constantly, vary culturally, and are impossible to keep up with. Not only that, but standards of beauty have historically been dictated by those in positions of power, and by those in a position to make money from your desire to dislike yourself, and desire to change yourself. You’re not crazy if you feel “not enough” of, or “too much” of something. Acknowledge these things, and start to define your own standards.

Focus on feeling, and less on appearance

This happened gradually over time for me. I noticed over time I started caring little to nothing about my weight, and what size pants I wore. In the past, when I weighed myself or had to order a bigger size, I’d get very upset and anxious.  I was also happy, and less stressed after exercising even as my body stayed the same…and actually…even as I gained weight! I felt less stressed, and more energetic when I exercised! I liked how I felt in certain outfits, and I loved how strong I felt after lifting weights. I was less interested when people complimented my body as an instructor (in fact, I didn’t like it even though I know it was well-intended). Similarly, when I didn’t restrict myself in my eating and ate based on what was best for my body, and what I was feeling at the time… I felt calmer and physically…much better. I got comfortable being seen without make-up. Spending a bit of time asking yourself how you feel as you’re exercising, or how you feel when you wear X or show up is a good practice to start moving towards feeling, first.

Know your appearance will change

I noticed the periods of time I struggled most with my appearance, were the big periods of change. Post-pregnancy was a challenging time for me. I really wasn’t thinking at all about what my body had gone through over a year, or the amazing purposes it was serving for my daughters. All I knew, was it wasn’t the way it was, and I just kept comparing my now body to the old expectation. I wasn’t thinking about how resilient my body was. Most recently, this period of peri-menopause has been difficult too. Part of what made these periods so hard, was that they were largely not discussed; not in the media, not by my doctors, and I certainly didn’t talk about it with my friends and family. I felt like I was alone in what was happening, and I also felt unprepared without an idea of what to expect. Doing research and talking to others going through similar changes will help you accept, and normalize those changes, as well setting new body expectations for yourself. 

Get exposed to different shapes/sizes/standards

Something I appreciate a lot for myself, my daughters, and for future generations, is finally seeing different shapes, sizes, cultures, and colors represented all around us. Whether it’s in books, on websites, or in person, being exposed to more kinds of people leads to more experience, which broadens your perspective, your appreciation for others, and leads to more self-compassion and confidence. Don’t wait to be exposed to others, or wait for it to happen to you - after all, we’re biased and seek what we already know or are comfortable with. Seek out different people and experiences! Follow them on social media, and go find them in your communities, when traveling, or on dating apps, and focus on what you can appreciate about them. The more you’re exposed to, the more you will appreciate the diversity of others, and yourself.

Are you ready to shift your mindset about your appearance? Click the link below to setup your free discovery call to learn how I can help!