How To Find Your People

What’s been in the center of my heart as of late, is My People. 

Who are Your People? Your People are your community of teammates, family members, friends, colleagues, and romantic partners that energize, uplift, and care for you. 

Your People are crucial. Connection to others is fundamental to our well-being, and for me, relationships have been central to my entire life. Close friends. Family. Romantic partners. Teams. Connection to others drives me in most of my decisions in life, and they just make my life worth living. Our People/relationships inform our relationship with ourselves; how we feel, how we see ourselves, and what we want to be different.

I’ve questioned My People over the years. Sometimes, it was just due to diverging goals, and paths. Other times they’ve been tested by the ups and downs of life. But only over the past several years have I taken a hard look at connections in my life. Ironically, My People have largely been the unaddressed facet of my well-being that I also spend ALL my time with, and coaching others on. Often, as I moved through all kinds of relationships, I was just “doing”, unaware of who I was choosing, and why. I’m embarrassed to admit that oftentimes, I’d just end relationships with people abruptly when the dynamic “didn’t work”, avoiding the conversations and/or the other work that may have resulted in positive changes.

As many great relationships I’ve had in my life, there have been many unhealthy ones, and for as many constructive conversations I’ve had in them, there have been horrible, unhelpful ones (or ones I avoided) that I’ve been an active part of. I’ve had periods of cynicism about relationships, as well as periods of hope and happiness. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and at the same time, most of these experiences have pushed me forward into some growth, or discovery that has served me regardless.

Fast forward to just before the pandemic, when I went through a very difficult divorce, followed by another painful break-up. During that time I really had no choice but to evaluate who My People were, and what was most important to me in relationships, because they were so fundamental to my support, and my literal survival. I had to take an honest look at who my people are, why I was choosing them, and what I wanted. 

Here are some of the ways I found them! The list will change, as you change, and as others do, but here are some of the things that help me to consciously develop connections and helped me find the group of people I am so very grateful for today.

Get Specific About What Kinds You Want

A key step in finding Your People is thinking through what relationship types are most important to you at this time. Activity Partners, friends with benefits (FWB)? A long-term relationship (LTR)? Then take an important step further by defining the meaning of that relationship to you and clarifying what characteristics and actions come with it because everyone has different spins on them. Some examples: “What does an LTR mean to you?”, or “How do you define FWB? To me it’s __________”, or “I’m seeking deep kinds of friendships right now which means__________”. Over the past months, what I noticed in myself in relation to one friend, was that I’d often feel frustrated, tense, and disappointed in our experiences, which led me to reflect on just how I was “evaluating” them. What I realized was that my idea of a friend was pretty misaligned with their definition. Also, there were certain qualities and expectations I had of that friendship, that they did not. So it’s not like it was that person’s fault they weren’t meeting my needs. I just needed to get clear on mine, compare notes with them 1-1 - and ultimately decide if the friendship served me, and us well.

Notice How They Make You and Others Feel

Do they make you feel at ease? Are they open and non-judgmental when you share parts of yourself with them? What happens in your body en route to see them, or during a conversation with them? Can you be yourself, or do you find yourself hiding or watering down parts in their presence? Notice the difference between standard discomfort (for example needing to talk through a difficult topic, or conflict between you) vs. feeling unsafe, or a persistent level of anxiety (even when you’re at your best) around them. How do they treat others like servers at restaurants, and strangers, and how do those people respond to them? How do their interactions with them make YOU feel? While some of these are indicators of things in ourselves we need to work on, these are all both important observatory, and bodily indicators to pay attention to. 

Note if They are Reciprocal, or Asymmetrical

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone where it felt like you were doing all the work? Have you felt like you’re making all the effort, or that if you didn’t reach out to them, you’d never hear back? I have many times. Asymmetry feels shitty. A lot of this was my own doing due to fear of being alone, me needing to prove I was valuable, or that I could “fix” the person. Often - especially in romantic relationships, there would be a lot of imbalance. I was coordinating most of the logistics for dates and trips, or I was going to their city and home 85% of the time, or I had to initiate the tough, more emotionally wrought conversations, or I was checking in with them constantly, and they wouldn’t ask me how I was. This dynamic can play out with ALL kinds of relationships. A big shift for me was noticing how much I accommodated and filled in gaps for an individual just to keep the relationship copacetic. But what ends up happening is if you keep letting this play out, you get emotionally burned out and resentful, and you don’t get practice understanding and asserting your ACTUAL needs in the dynamic.

You Can Have Tough and Honest Convos With Them

So this comment isn’t about our ability or inability to broach a hard subject with someone we care about, because that's a separate post later, all on its own :). Assuming you feel safe and trusting of the person, notice how they handle those conversations we all dread. Notice how direct and honest you can be with one another. Do they share their feelings? Are they receptive to talking? Do they take responsibility for their part? Do they express compassion? Do they bring topics to your attention that are important to them? AND vice versa. You should both be able to work together to listen, understand each other’s POV, apologize, and repair well.

Don't Write Them Off Fast

How long did it take you to build your deepest, best relationships, and under what circumstances? Some of my closest friendships were developed in college with other students I did musicals and other productions with, which meant, that not only were we in the same classes together each week, we rehearsed together oftentimes 30 hours a week. We had a lot in common, and we learned so much about each other because we were with each other constantly. We also got to experience each other under all sorts of circumstances over the course of 4 years which bonded us. Another amazing group was the community of friends I built back in NYC, and another, that I have right now. In college, we were all kind of just thrown together, but in NYC and now, all of us had to put in a lot of work to cultivate and deepen these friendships. They were not without issues either. Give yourself the opportunity to give someone a chance. If you have an issue, give someone an opportunity to discuss “it” with you on more than one occasion. Bring up your feedback. Ultimately, people will either rise to the occasion, or not meet your needs - but remember relationships don’t happen overnight, and they’re not always going to be perfect.

They Support and Show Up For You

When you have big goals, or are going through the ups and downs of life, who will be there for you cheering you on, and stepping up when things go nuts? I realized how important this was to me after a series of life or death/ traumatic events, as well as big positive changes in my life, all happening over a short period of time. There were those that were physically there by my side providing aid, even when it was inconvenient, or uncomfortable for them. There were also others I heard nothing from, or who backed away precisely when things got dicey. When you’re meeting someone new, it’s difficult to know if they’ll show up when something happens. But you can find out pretty quickly how they’ve handled difficult times in their life, or in the lives of others. Are they interested in your life? Do they show up at your events, come to your classes, spread the word on your new business, offer an ear when you’re upset, or check in on you to make plans? There are endless support opportunities. You have the opportunity to communicate these needs to others, as much as you observe and determine if they can meet them.

Are you ready to find your people? Click the link below to setup your free discovery call to learn how I can help you navigate these tricky slopes!