How Being Disliked Will Set You Free

Break free of perfectionism. It’s holding you back.—

I’ve been a recovering perfectionist since my late 20s. Being “flawless” was how I derived self-esteem. Others were responsible for how I assessed my value. Perfectionism was something I was proud of — it enabled me to minimize risk and master a number of difficult things. It shielded me from the pain of failures in my career aspirations and rejection in relationships.

Perfectionism was a skill that yielded many positives. One way it manifested was in a constant need to be liked by everyone, which I was fantastic at. It meant I worked my ass off to succeed in difficult skills, experiences, and entire careers. Not only did I accomplish my goals, but I also performed extraordinarily because I couldn’t disappoint my boss, my partner, my team, or my parents. It meant I impressed people and all kinds of relationships thrived. No matter how challenging the person or dynamic I was faced with was, I could connect with them and “turn” them, making them happy or otherwise at any cost. I could blend in, passing in any environment — even ones that were threatening. I could also proudly take center stage when I needed to, polished and put together.

But perfectionism has also prevented me from having many new experiences, being authentic, dreaming, and experiencing joy. All these positives were just performances rooted in a fear of being disliked. At a certain point, this becomes unsustainable. If others knew who I really was, if they saw me and my flaws, they’d fire me or they’d bolt. And because my perfectionist mindset was all or nothing, I caused myself a lot of suffering and held myself back.

But gradually, I became less interested in others’ views of me — and that set me free. While I’m not perfect in accepting my flaws, I am a lot more modulated. When I realized being liked was overrated, here’s what I discovered.

You Stop Feeling Crappy

On the outside, I looked pristine, but I was anxious on the inside. Around new people, in particular, I was afraid of saying the wrong thing or making a mistake that would result in criticism. I’d beat myself up if someone broke up with me or didn’t immediately love me upon the first meeting. My heart would race and my stomach would be in knots. It was emotionally exhausting too. At work, I couldn’t find balance. I spent a majority of the time shapeshifting into personas I thought an individual or group needed in order to achieve business outcomes.

But I started wondering if there were alternatives to this narrative I had been telling myself. What other reasons might there be for the “weird looks” I perceived? And what if they disliked me? So what? What’s the worst-case scenario if they knew more about the real me? This made me a whole lot more relaxed and allowed me to have more energy to give to others and other parts of my life.

You Build Authentic Relationships

When you’re less worried about how others receive you, you start to filter out superficial relationships. You part ways with the people who don’t accept you and find the ones who really care about you.

One client spends her energy adapting to her own clients, friends, and family but downplaying key parts of who she is because she’s anticipating judgments. I developed friendships with diverse groups of people, and I took pride in doing it. A light went off for me when I realized I was surrounding myself with lots of people who were polar opposites or who had (as I used to describe them before I knew better) “lower standards” than I had for myself (e.g. people who valued experiences over material things or people who “worked to live”). These relationships were not only sincere, but they helped me view myself differently (better!) and helped dispel the confirmation biases I created.

You Do You

Now you have the makings of a solid support system and are less tired and anxious, so surely you’re less wrapped up in others’ judgments or ideas of how you should appear to them. Yay!

This means you can start unpacking what you really want because you need clarity in order to take action. What do you really value? Parse through what you’re doing for yourself versus others and question whether or not your wishes are locked up in societal expectations. Separate what you want to do versus what you’re good at because there’s a big difference. When you have conviction and direction, you can get through the good and the bad times as well as survive the negative external commentary — no matter what. Why? Because they’re all in the name of what makes you tick.

You’re Confident and Courageous

When you start to build confidence in who you are and what you want, you open yourself up to opportunities and new ways of being. You’ve divorced yourself from what others think and from outcomes that look good on paper. You’re excited by the process of learning, which makes you try more — sometimes failing, but then learning and iterating better. The more you repeat this, the more fearless you become, the more challenges you take on, the more you grow, and the more impact you have on yourself and the world around you.

When I entered my year-long executive coaching program, I knew I’d become a coach, but I had no idea I’d realize I was bisexual, gender-fluid, or want to explore polyamory. These were major awakenings for me. I’d felt so phony and off for years because I hadn’t been open, confident, or brave enough to ask myself tough questions or withstand the cultural pressure of how I’d be viewed by others.

Personal discoveries come in all sizes and forms, but in any case, there’s a huge sense of relief and freedom that comes from putting yourself out there as you are.

If you’re interested in learning more, click the link below to setup your free discovery call to learn how I can help!